I Was Addicted To Change

 

The last few years of my life have been a pretty mixed bag of experiences. If someone asked me what I have been up to since school, it would likely take an hour just to fill them in. For a while I had a tendency to bounce between jobs and places constantly. I rode out the temporary high of perpetual excitement, and it truly felt fulfilling in a strange and unique way. Looking back on everything, I felt a constant need for change and newness because of my own lack of certainty. I had no distinct vision for what I wanted in the future, so I filled my world with constant change in an attempt to figure it all out (it definitely helped). While my friends were forging the beginning of their careers, relationships or businesses, I chose to constantly explore my options. Ironically, while this lifestyle emerged purely out of uncertainty, I eventually came to love and cherish that same ambivalence above almost anything. I found comfort in the impermanence, and in many ways I still do.

“There is nothing permanent except change” – Heraclitus

For some time now I have associated comfort with complacency. I wrongfully saw it as a sign that my life was stagnating, not as an anchor for building a future that is uniquely my own. I want to create a lifestyle I am thrilled about, so naturally, winding up stuck in one that I’m not satisfied with is a deep rooted and authentic fear of mine. Complacency scares me. What I’ve come to accept more recently is that nothing has to be permanent. Committing now, does not mean I am committing forever. If something does not feel right and is no longer making me happy, I always possess the power to make a change. It is a strong statement that has helped me become more comfortable with the uncertainty of commitment (if that concept even makes sense to anyone other than myself).

I have never viewed my desire for constant change as a bad thing. I actually think it’s a pretty good condition to have a craving for. I tend to bore easily. Change keeps me on my toes and definitely helps me maintain a child like excitement for my life. It has provided me with opportunities to expand my comfort zone, skills, personality, and self awareness. Change is a wonderful thing, but I recognize that change is not necessarily something I need more of at this particular point in my life. For a long time a dynamic lifestyle helped me to grow as an individual, and it has helped shape the person I am today. Right now, to continue this growth, I don’t need constant change. I need something different. A consistent location, a career path with a mission, and as a result, a more predictable lifestyle (at least for now). A routine that will help me take larger steps down the path toward my life goals. For the first time in ages I have a vision of what I want in the future, and I’m actually excited to give these things a try. My frame of mind is evolving and suddenly settling down a bit is not sounding so bad. Everything considered, I’m beginning to realize that avoiding commitment is just short-term thinking.